Wednesday, September 2, 2009

zero to sixty... in reverse

I have a whole list of things that I want to blog about: the Josephson family reunion, my time home in Calgary, short trip to Chicago for Grammy's memorial, a LONG overdue Europe post, etc. And it's certainly not a lack of time that is keeping me from writing them. But it seems that sometimes it's harder for me to get things done when I have nothing but time.

The other night I had a dream that I was on vacation somewhere and forgot that I had a couple papers due. The dream was filled with stress and that frantic feeling - scrambling to get something done last minute. When I woke up, it took me a minute to realize it was just a dream. So relieved... sort of.

Friends and family are quick to remind that I deserve this break, that my life this spring was so hectic, that it takes some time to decompress. They are right, and I appreciate the reminder. Life WAS hectic. Overly so. I who cherish the downtime, the nights to myself, I should relish this time. I was running myself ragged, pushing too hard, going a million miles an hour. I'm not the type to enjoy being over-scheduled and hyper busy. I love rest.

But I have a confession. I'm bored. Europe was phenomenal. It was the breath of fresh air that we wanted and needed. We lived for the moment each moment, loved every second of that great adventure. It was rejuvenating and relaxing. We came back to the chaos of packing up our lives and starting new ones. Moving here was a whirlwind and it's taken some time to gather up the pieces of our lives and to decompress - take a deep breath.

I've had the entire summer off to play. And play I have! As I've mentioned it's been an incredible and fulfilling summer, and now it's coming to an end. My plans for the year take shape and fall apart - sometimes multiple times a day. Some days I'm full of optimism and enthusiasm and others I'm simply restless,unfulfilled. I want a job, I crave structure. I'm starting to miss school. I miss working, thinking, doing.

So my prayer is this: that I will act on ambition on the days that I have it, and that I won't beat myself up when I don't. Beyond that, I pray that I live each day in His joy and peace. Contentment doesn't always come easy, but it has the power to transform and transcend these worries. I need to figure out some of these temporal pieces of my life, but I also need to remember that they are just that.